Mary Sue Comes to Forks
by WinterSky
Summary: After single-handedly defeating both Voldemort and Sauron, Mary Sue decides to relax and visit a small town called Forks. Will Jacob keep his shirt on? Will Bella ever stop swooning? Find out in this gripping thrill-a-minute epic parody.


_A/N - Time for a little something new: a really truly finished story!  
_

**Mary Sue Comes to Forks**

One ordinary, grey afternoon, Mary Susanna Elaina Alanna Starshine Sunshine Moonshine Smith arrived at Forks. She had just come from singlehandedly defeating the Dark Lord Voldemort, and singlehandedly destroying the One Ring, all the while winning the hearts and minds of both stories' protagonists. It was tiring work, so she was, understandably, hoping for a bit of R&R during her stay in a small town where nothing eventful was going to happen at all.

As Mary Sue stepped off of the bus that sunny autumn morning, and a gentle breeze swept a whirlwind of colorful leaves around her bright, shining, luxurious golden hair, she heaved a tragic sigh, remembering her childhood in a small town not unlike this one. A single tear glistened in her crystal blue eyes as she thought back to her dark and tragic past.

Meanwhile, Bella and Jacob were having an argument on a nearby street.

"But Bella!" Jacob protested loudly and dramatically, "You must know that I love you!"

"Oh Jacob," cried Bella, "you must know that I am hopelessly smitten with Edward and therefore could never love you!" She swooned. Jacob, apparently used to this procedure, caught her effortlessly.

"But he doesn't love you!" cried Jacob as soon as she had reawoken.

"He does love me!" Bella insisted, standing back up. "He loves me so much that he _left _me! So you see, because his leaving me must have been a great sacrifice, I owe it to him to pine for him for the rest of my days and never move on! That's the sign of a healthy relationship, girls," she added to the group of fan girls who were eagerly taking notes in a heart-shaped notebook.

"But he can never give you what I—whoa!" Jacob's eyes had fallen upon the form of the beautiful, intelligent, sexy Mary Sue. Her chestnut brown hair framed her perfect ivory face; she stared back at him through soulful eyes like deep black pools. A hint of a smile played upon her pink lips.

"Maybe not," Bella continued the conversation, oblivious at first to the seductive charms of the stunningly beautiful Mary Sue, "but he can give me immortality! And- Jacob, where are you going?!" Jacob was crossing the street to approach Mary Sue.

"Jacob!" cried Bella. "Jacob, I was only saying that for the sake of dramatic tension! Jacob, I do love you!"

"So…" Jacob was saying to Mary Sue, "did I mention I'm a werewolf?" Though the ancient rules of his pack generally kept him from vocalizing such a dangerous secret, his love for Mary Sue had allowed him to reveal his true self.

"What a coincidence!" exclaimed Mary Sue. "When I was at Hogwarts, I started a support group for misunderstood werewolves!"

"What the hell is Hogwarts?!" demanded Bella.

Before Mary Sue could respond, however, Tyler Crowley drove past in his van. He caught sight of the radiant Mary Sue, her raven black hair glistening in the pale moonlight, her emerald green eyes catching his, and so smitten was he that he lost control of the car. For one terrifying second, the out-of-control van was hurtling towards Mary Sue, but she nimbly leapt out of the way, dragging Jacob behind her, pulling the two of them to safety. Tyler hit a tree but was unharmed; he continued to ogle Mary Sue from the inside of his now-totaled car.

"Wow!" exclaimed Jacob. In all the excitement, his shirt had somehow come off, revealing his perfectly chiseled abs. All of the fan girls dropped their heart shaped notebooks when they swooned. "Now that's what I need—a woman who can take care of herself!"

"What?!" demanded Bella furiously. "I can take care of myself!"

"Bella," Jacob cast a dismissive glance over his shoulder at his one-time love, "ever since you met Edward, it's like you've lost your personality."

"Jacob, I never _had_ a personality to begin with," Bella said, exasperated.

Mary Sue said nothing, but tucked a lock of flaming red hair behind her dainty shoulder.

"And you do realize that her hair's changed colors three times since we first met her?" Bella added.

"Face it Bella," said Jacob, ignoring her. "I want a strong woman, one who _doesn't_ need a man to make her happy!"

"I _don't_ need a man to make me happy!" Bella fumed, close to tears. "Oh Edward, if only you were here, I would be ok!"

"I am here!" Edward appeared next to her, his perfect face sparkling in the brilliant midday sun. "Alice had a vision that the most beautiful girl in the world was in danger, and I knew she must mean you—wait," he looked down in confusion at his brightly sparkling hands, "wasn't it just nighttime?"

"Who cares?! Oh Edward, now that you're back, we can be together forever and ev—oh, not you too!"

Yes, Edward too had been captivated by the perfect beauty of raven-haired Mary Sue. He side-stepped several passed-out fan girls and a hubcap from Tyler's car as he made his way over to woo her. Although she was not a vampire, her radiant beauty made her seem to sparkle in the morning sunlight.

Mary Sue laughed, a sound like delicate, tinkling bells. "Why, I've barely been in Forks a day, and already I feel more welcome than I ever was in Hogwarts or Middle Earth! I do believe I'll be staying here for a long time!"

"Oh no, you won't!" Bella nearly shrieked. "You won't be stealing my men!"

"Your _man_," Jacob corrected. "Edward, Bella's all yours."

"I don't want her, now that I've laid eyes on Mary Sue," Edward said smoothly. "Tyler, you can have her." But Tyler was gone; in fact, he had slipped off into the woods with one of the now-conscious fan girls while everyone else was distracted by perfect Mary Sue.

"Won't somebody love me?!" Bella's lower lip trembled. She wasn't used to having no admirers, and all of the excitement was making her dizzy.

"I'll love you, Bella!" Mike stepped out of nowhere just in time to catch Bella as she fell into another swoon. Her eyes fluttered open.

"Oh, Mike, how thoughtful of you," murmured Bella, still in his arms. "But I know how much Jessica likes you. I could never break her heart."

"Oh, don't worry about me," said Jessica, skipping out from nowhere. "When I met Mary Sue at the bus stop this morning, she opened my eyes to a side of myself I never thought I knew. I've had many boyfriends, but nothing quite compares to a woman's touch."

"What the hell?!" demanded Bella, jumping up in anger as Jessica and Mary Sue nestled in each other's arms, Edward and Jacob standing by in awe. "Look, you guys can't _all_ go off with Mary Sue. I need a supernatural lover to protect me from Victoria!"

"Oh, you mean that red-headed vampire I met on the way to Forks?" Mary Sue asked innocently. "She insulted my hair, so I tore her limb from limb."

"Oh, um, but what about the Volturi?" Bella said dumbfounded. "I still need protected from them."

Mary Sue laughed her tinkling laugh. "Oh, don't worry about the Volturi! Jane and I go way back. We fought for Middle Earth together!"

"Ok, well, I guess … I guess I can go out with Mike then," Bella said, defeated. Everyone cheered, and even Bella agreed, after much coaxing, that Mary Sue had probably saved them all a lot of unnecessary drama.

In the end, Bella and Mike were married. They moved to Phoenix, where they lived a happy, normal life, and had several children, none of which Jacob fell in love with. The fan girls all grew up to be well-adjusted young women who entered into healthy romantic relationships—though some with an inexplicable fur fetish. Mary Sue lived happily ever after with her lesbian lover and male harem; and when she wasn't saving the world singlehandedly from whatever villains will populate the next generation of story books, she spent many happy days with her newfound friends in Forks.

Oh, and um, any plot points that were left hanging also got tied up. The end.


End file.
